most excellent and most terrible

i was misinformed and my psych quiz that i completely blew off isn't actually until next monday. so i just have a fighting chance of passing if i can find some time this week to study.

i'm also considering changing my entire lesson plan to fractions in music, which is much more interesting than the sin of A+B. but i'm not sure i can whittle the idea down to five minutes. i'm going to work on it tonight.

and lastly i just found out that my father's cancer has spread to his liver. i'm not so sure chemo will help at this point, especially since he doesn't have the will to live. so now we have to figure out if he will be better off at home with my family in his own bed, or at a hospice without us, but with better care. i can't believe at the age of 26 i have to make these decisions.

stressed ramblings

things are not going as well as i planned, but i guess that's life.

my one year old has been terribly sick and getting up 5 times a night, and of course she only wants mama. my time has been thoroughly consumed with taking care of her and spending time with my father in the hospital. on top of this, i'm completely sick myself. and i almost forgot about my two year old who's throwing up every day...

i'm blowing off a quiz that i have tomorrow. i'm sure i won't get higher than a 20, but how hard can i push myself? i'm behind on my work and i'm afraid i'll lose my job if i cut back anymore. i'm hoping my 100 on the midterm will somehow carry me through.

but the main thing i'm concerned about is my interview on sunday. i am REALLY unprepared and with all that's going on, i don't know how i'm going to swing it. i'm not so much worried about memorizing the lesson plan since it flows naturally, but presentation is everything. and i really need practice in that area. plus i have had no time to prep for interview questions. and i've been on like 2 interviews my entire life.

i really wish i could reschedule my interview, and although they allow it, i'm sure it won't be looked upon favorably. i mean i can't just ditch school every time i have some sort of life crisis once i'm a teacher. so whatever happens, i'll just hope for the best. i'm gonna try to stick the baby with her babysitter a few extra hours this week so i can better prepare. plus i need to go shopping for interview clothes.

one thing about working from home, i wear sweatpants every day. i look like the typical, lazy stay at home mom. but really there's so much more to my life. but nevertheless, i haven't worn business attire since, let's say... never!

oh yeah, one more thing. if they ask me what my greatest accomplishment is, i will definitely say graduating college! i know it sounds lame, but seriously, what was i thinking messing around in school for so many years when i could've finished so easily?? barring my first semester, i never even went full time until after i had my kids. yet somehow they gave me the motivation i needed and i've pulled through. but i tell you, i must have been suffering from temporary insanity when i figured i'd have a couple of kids smack in the middle of my college career.

my father is in the hospital again. this time he's doing really bad.

i'm having trouble coping.

bad mood

i just about torpedoed my entire week. i was doing so well and then i completely binged yesterday and today. i will be going to the gym tonight but i don't know how much damage control it will do.

my lesson plan is coming along. i wrote it all out and i need to memorize it now. i just hope i don't bore everyone to tears, or embarrass myself, either. i will be teaching the sin(A+B) and cos(A+B) formulas. i'm going to make it interesting by singing the song my 10th grade teacher taught us to remember it, but it's so silly. depending on the delivery the lesson will really be hit or miss. but i'm going with it. i think i can make it work.

good times

my house is clean again! hooray! plus i lost 3.4 lbs this week.

and i even had a complete, balanced dinner on the table at 6pm tonight. i feel so functional!

feeling optimistic

i'm having a good day today. i think it's because my house is clean. it puts me in a better frame of mind.

i'm halfway through my mutivariate cramming and it's going pretty well. i might be able to ace this exam if i can remember everything.

about 5 more people dropped out of my linear algebra class. we're now down to 10 from the original 25+. the learning center tutor is willing to give me the first 30 minutes of his slotted time (free) if i can arrange for my dad to pick up dorafan#1 from school on mondays. and if that doesn't work, he'll come in an hour earlier and tutor me for $30/hr which i'm seriously willing to pay once a week at this point. it's a good deal considering he sits in on every one of my lectures so he will teach me exactly what i need to know.

so yeah i'm feeling good. still slightly defeated, but how can i get too depressed knowing i can see my bedroom floor for the first time in months?

and more on the wonderful cleaning lady, she's so cute, like she's personally invested in the cleanliness and organization of my apartment. she told me next time she's going to help sort through all my clothes and organize my closet, something my husband has been bothering me to do for five years! and it was totally her own idea. and another great thing, she asked me if she should move on when it was taking too long to clean all the burnt stuff off the stove because "it wastes time." now i've heard plenty of people complain about cleaning ladies taking all the time in the world since they're getting paid by the hour, but this is unheard of. she was worried about wasting time! she's so awesome! i'm gushing, i'm in love!

i'm so excited for next week. i already have a list of things to be done. she inspires me to want to be more organize and lord help me, i really need it!

and the work keeps on piling up

i thought i was finished after my linear algebra exam last week, my paper due this week, and my psych midterm yesterday. of course i have the last psych experiment and paper, but that's something i can handle in increments over the next month.

but then last night in multivariate calc i found out i have an exam in one week. and i don't know what's flying, having opened up the book only once this semester. so now i need to teach myself the entire semester's worth of material in six days.

and the linear algebra exam i studied my butt off for, i guess it paid off since i got the 3rd highest grade in the class... a D-. i almost cried. i can forget raising my GPA this semester.

if i don't get into teaching fellows, i don't know what i'm going to do. i won't be able to get into brooklyn for graduate school with these grades and will have to go to either hunter or staten island if i take that route.

i think i need to fuck everything and put my all into preparing a knockout lesson plan for the interview and practicing good responses to common interview questions. and if it means my grades fall, so be it. it will be worth it if i get in.

and if i don't get in, hunter or si, or actuarial exam here i come. or i guess i can always beg the folks at brooklyn to let me in with provisions.

a silly from my father

a recent news item in nyc is that a boy died from contracting antibiotic resistent bacteria. the post ran a front page article about it yesterday.

on another note, we had a gnat flying around over the table where me, my dad, and sara were eating lunch yesterday. my father kept going after it but couldn't kill it. he was really obsessing over it when i told him he should just leave it alone and eat his lunch.

he said "Are you kidding me? We have to kill insects every chance we get."

i looked at him confounded. he said "I know you don't read the papers, but I do. Every day. Look." and he pointed to the headline on the front page of the post that read "Two chances to kill superbug."

i had to doublecheck that he really believed what i thought he did. and yes, he thought it was a super-insect that caused the boy's death.