learning to count

today my 2 1/2 year old used the potty when she came home from preschool. after she was finished, she stood up and looked into the bowl. with her tiny finger she pointed and said "one... two... TWO DOODOOs MOMMY!" my little girl. she was so proud.

i'm so excited, i'm going to have a life outside of the home soon. i'm sure once i'm working i'm going to wish i was back home, but i really need to get out for my own sanity right now. and after the training, i'll be home in time to get the kids from playgroup two or three times a week. when i was working full time at the office, i got home after 7pm every night but friday when i left at 2. my baby never saw me. sometimes she was already sleeping for the night when i got home. so the 8 weeks of hell training for nyctf will be worth it. and after i get my master's i'll be home every day to pick them up from school. i can't wait!

unrelated, i have a love-hate relationship with working out at night. it's the best time to go because the gym is empty, so there are far less people staring at my fat ass. also, i hate shlepping the kids to the gym daycare. my little one screams the whole time and i don't get to work out at all. but the downside is that i'm revved up at insane hours. i get home around 11pm, eat massive amounts of calories (i was actually good tonight for a change and only had fruit though.) but regardless, i have so much energy, it's really hard for me to fall asleep. last night i went to bed at 11 and i felt great today for a change. but of course i ate like a fat slob yesterday and didn't work anything off. so i need to find some sort of compromise. maybe i'll try going at 9 instead of 10. i'm really self-conscious around the other people though, so i try to avoid the crowds. because i can't keep sleeping only a few hours a night, not when i have two terrors to contend with in the morning.

i'm in!

yep, i got accepted into nyctf. i'm so excited! i knew i pretty much nailed the interview, but as time went by, i became more and more self-doubting. especially with my pitiful gpa... but i guess they didn't care which is great, because now i can relax a bit.

i never took my multivariable calc final this past semester. i spent the entire last month visiting my father and not going to class, and when it came to the final exam it was no different. i had no chance of passing and i just wanted to see my dad. so i didn't show up and got an ABS grade. i'm glad i did, too, because he passed away the next week. academic advisement said i had a valid enough reason for missing the exam, so that's not a problem for me. but i was worried that i had to cram enough to get an A (near impossible, considering i never learned the material the entire semester) so i could get my gpa up enough to be accepted into various graduate programs. but now i don't need to worry! i would like to get a good grade, but as long as i get a C, it's fine. i'm already in the program, so it's a huge weight off my chest.

so now i need to get fingerprinted and fill out a bunch of paperwork. i also need to take the LAST (piece of cake) and the CST in mathematics. yeah, btw, i will be a math teacher. woohoo!! everyone will hate me!

now i need to find a babysitter for my kids. i feel bad, i'm never going to be around during the summer. last year we went to the park, to the mall, and to the beach all the time. now i'm going to have to put them in a summer program and then have a sitter pick them up and watch them for another four hours. poor kids, but momma's gonna bring home the insurance, which is more important!!

i can't wait to get my dental, i swear i have at least two cavities that really need to be taken care of already.

random thoughts

i'm starting to resume my normal life again. i went to the gym yesterday, and i'm going back today (can i hear a woot woot) i have a tutoring job tonight, and i'm starting to do more work for the office as well.

i'm still eating chocolate though. must_kick_the_habit.

and two more of my grades came in, both A's.

ok, but really, i feel guilty moving on with life. every time i pass by my father's room, i hurt. i wish i could go in there, sit on his bed, and talk to him. every time i see an older man outside, i look hopefully, thinking it could be my father. i know it's not him, but i still feel that excitement that i used to feel when he would come home. god, it's so boring being a sahm (ok technnically wahm) sometimes, and he really made my days so much more bearable.

the 9-day candle i'm burning is about to extinguish. every time i pass it i talk to my father and tell him how much i love him. i feel like i'm going to lose something when the candle burns out and i don't want to.

i wish i wasn't here. anywhere but here, anything but this life.

so much pain, i feel like i lost my best friend. he was the only one that ever understood me. i can't believe it's all over. i just want everything to be over.