haha. a week ago i wrote that my father had six months to live. well, now he's dead. he passed away saturday morning. i knew it was coming, that he wasn't going to last six months. but as much as i thought i was prepared for it, i still wasn't ready.

i've been crying all day. i miss him so much. i've missed him for over a month, but i'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that he's really gone now. and that my kids will never get to know him. in a few years time, they're gonna forget all about him.

i wish i spent more time with him. he couldn't talk or open his eyes, but i wish i just sat with him and held his hand.

i know deep down that he's a million times better off now, that it only would have been selfish to want him to be alive longer. but it's not easy to reconcile this with how i'm feeling at the moment.

i've been having such a hard time lately. on friday afternoon, after coming back home from the hospital, i prayed for peace in my life. just peace, nothing else. maybe this is a way of getting it? at least i know my father is at peace now.

good news

woohoo, business is picking up. i have a new tutoring client, a tenth grader, who is in need of some geometry and trig help. and another parent from the neighborhood is sick of paying $60/hr for the certified teacher who tutors her 9th grade son and is looking for a cheaper option which is where i come into play.

my neighbor just checked with me first before she referred me since she thought i was too busy already. hells freaking no! i just finished school, and i'm basically sitting on my ass all day doing nothing. i have a cleaning lady and i don't even work, aside from one tutoring job a week. even my office work has come to a grinding halt and when it does pick up, i will still have plenty of time to devote to it, because, did i mention... i am FINISHED with school?!!

so now i definitely have two regular clients, and potentially three. which means i can bring in a sizable sum of extra cash each month. this will definitely delight my husband, who is always asking me "what exactly is it that you do all day?"

and now that i have unofficially graduated, i can get back to the gym. my fat ass seems to have gained about 8 lbs this semester. i have so much to do while i'm waiting on my reply from nyctf.

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in other news, our trip to atlantic city was somewhat of a success. my husband lost $60 in the slots in a matter of minutes. i lost $30 in the slots, and then $60 at blackjack. i put one last $20 into the slots thinking my husband (who was sleeping in the room at the time) would kill me when he found out, since i was going over our maximum by $10.

anyhow, i lost it all and then by a stroke of luck, i won $180 on my very last quarter. i cashed out, put in another $20, and turned it into $60 within 2 minutes. so when all was said and done, i walked out $70 ahead. my husband couldn't believe it when i told him. we didn't have to pay for the hotel room, so between food, gas, and tolls, we broke out completely even and got a whole 24 hours away from the kids. i'm all for going back there again if the big L is willing to babysit.

my dad has 6 months to live at best, and no matter what i do, i feel like i'm going to regret the way i am handling things now for the rest of my life.

my interview and other news

so i interviewed on sunday for nyctf. i think it went rather well. there were three math hopefuls in my room. we're not in direct competition with each other, but honestly, most of the lesson plans in my room ranged from outright horrible to just ok, save for me and one other girl. so it probably doesn't hurt our chances that we stood out from the rest. but then again, they probably all have better GPAs then me, so they might have a better chance of getting in anyway.

but nevertheless, i was happy with my performance. i taught a trig formula and made the class sing a song to remember it, and then we worked out a problem. i think they hated me for making them sing, but too bad:P

then there was the group discussion in which i think i contributed thoughtful comments. i also picked up the conversation twice when everyone else was just staring at their papers in silence. and then we had to write a two minute response to something related to the discussion, which was a piece of cake.

one thing i'm worried about though is that we had 20 minutes to write a letter home to parents. i write so_freaking_slow. i was not able to convey everything i wanted to and merely glossed over one of the issues i was supposed to address. they were supposed to come in and warn us there was three minutes left. i figured i could write a good ending paragraph in that time, but no, they only came in when there was one minute left. barely enough time for me to finish the thought i was on, write a one sentence conclusion, and sign my name. so, that could ruin it for me. or maybe not, who knows.

and finally was the 20 minute personal interview. i have to say that except for one question, i think i gave excellent answers. i totally BSed on answer though and i even thought "what the hell am i saying??" it didn't even make sense to me. but during some of the questions, i detected a hint of a smile in my interviewer's face when i know i gave the right answer, even though he was trying hard to look stoic.

then at the end of the interview, after he closed my folder, he asked if i had any questions. i asked him what he taught, and then what did he think the most challenging grade to teach was, and why. he went on to talk to me for nearly ten minutes extra about his middle school students. (this is why i was hoping to get the last interview slot.) i told him i could imagine how hard it was, because i was absolutely awful at that age. and he was impressed that i could admit it. he said it's the teachers who remember how they were as preteens who are the most successful, and that most people have such a hard time with them because they expect them to be perfect angels like they think they were at that age. (side note: who in the hell thinks they were perfect when they were twelve??? seems like a bit of insanity to me.)

so, i hope he had a chance to write about his impressions after he concluded all the interviews (i have no idea what he was writing on the paper during the interview though.) because i think i left a good one.

i need all the help i can get because my GPA suxx.

oh and i wanted to add that i looked awesome. i was wearing an atypical suit. cool looking black and gray jacket, black crew neck shirt and pants, and black heels. my hair was in a high bun, too. i looked suited up, but it was so much more stylish and cut so much better than a regular suit. i felt so confident dressed that way that i think if i do get in, i would like to continue to dress like this in the classroom. i even want to go to the grocery store dressed up. i think i've had enough of my SAHM uniform of sweatpants and hoodies for now, at least.

so it's all up in the air and i guess i'll find out in 4-6 weeks, but maybe more because of the holidays. but i'm sure i'll still obsessively check the update page every day until they email me.

it's after 3 and i'm up again! this needs to stop!

i've perfected my lesson plan and am still practicing. i'm excited and nervous, especially considering i've been on 2 job interviews ever, and that was like 5 years ago. but what can i do, i'll either nail it or not!

i still need a shirt to wear for the interview. i wish i wasn't so freaking fat and i could walk into a normal store and find something to wear. actually, i wish i didn't freaking love eating so much!

yes, i love food. another bad habit of mine. i lost 40 lbs rather easily, gained a couple back, and now i just can't get on track again. i like ice cream and cake, and cookies, and challah, and cereal, and oatmeal, and kugel, and chocolate, i LOVE chocolate! these things do me no good though. i wish i could snap out of it.

i promise myself though, after the hell of this semester is over, i will be back in the gym. but i gotta get through this last week first.

it's 4:25am and i can't sleep. i wish my husband would stop working these late hours already. i hate going to bed alone.

i got a 92 on my latest linear algebra exam and... shameless brag... blew the rest of the class out of the water. but i still need to focus on the final next week.

i ended up having to change my interview date for nyctf to this sunday because i was really sick the week of my original date and decided against hacking up a lung all over the interviewers. i can only hope this doesn't backfire and make a negative impression.

i'm sick again though, i just hope it doesn't get worse. my lack of sleep certainly won't help though.

speaking of my interview, i still have yet to come up with a handout. i'm struggling because i don't want to include too much information, but i want the group to be able to answer my questions. i'm allowed to assume prior knowledge on their part, but i know no one remembers their HS trig values. so i somehow need to include exercises relevant to my lesson plan, plus enough background info so that the lesson can be interactive.

silly me didn't realize when i chose the date to reschedule, that i have two finals the next day, one at 8am, the other at 6pm. and one of them is in mutivariate calc, which i am failing. he will base my course grade solely on my final grade if i do well, but that means i have to learn the entire semester, plus study for my other exam, plus finish preparing for my interview, plus have a research paper written by friday.

i'm seriously insane for not sleeping. i think i might actually start on that paper now and beg my mother to come over at 10am so i can rest. i really owe her, she has definitely come in clutch. she took off the whole week to help me with the kids since the big one has off from school and she seriously couldn't have been around at a more needed time.