haha. a week ago i wrote that my father had six months to live. well, now he's dead. he passed away saturday morning. i knew it was coming, that he wasn't going to last six months. but as much as i thought i was prepared for it, i still wasn't ready.

i've been crying all day. i miss him so much. i've missed him for over a month, but i'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that he's really gone now. and that my kids will never get to know him. in a few years time, they're gonna forget all about him.

i wish i spent more time with him. he couldn't talk or open his eyes, but i wish i just sat with him and held his hand.

i know deep down that he's a million times better off now, that it only would have been selfish to want him to be alive longer. but it's not easy to reconcile this with how i'm feeling at the moment.

i've been having such a hard time lately. on friday afternoon, after coming back home from the hospital, i prayed for peace in my life. just peace, nothing else. maybe this is a way of getting it? at least i know my father is at peace now.