haha. a week ago i wrote that my father had six months to live. well, now he's dead. he passed away saturday morning. i knew it was coming, that he wasn't going to last six months. but as much as i thought i was prepared for it, i still wasn't ready.

i've been crying all day. i miss him so much. i've missed him for over a month, but i'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that he's really gone now. and that my kids will never get to know him. in a few years time, they're gonna forget all about him.

i wish i spent more time with him. he couldn't talk or open his eyes, but i wish i just sat with him and held his hand.

i know deep down that he's a million times better off now, that it only would have been selfish to want him to be alive longer. but it's not easy to reconcile this with how i'm feeling at the moment.

i've been having such a hard time lately. on friday afternoon, after coming back home from the hospital, i prayed for peace in my life. just peace, nothing else. maybe this is a way of getting it? at least i know my father is at peace now.

good news

woohoo, business is picking up. i have a new tutoring client, a tenth grader, who is in need of some geometry and trig help. and another parent from the neighborhood is sick of paying $60/hr for the certified teacher who tutors her 9th grade son and is looking for a cheaper option which is where i come into play.

my neighbor just checked with me first before she referred me since she thought i was too busy already. hells freaking no! i just finished school, and i'm basically sitting on my ass all day doing nothing. i have a cleaning lady and i don't even work, aside from one tutoring job a week. even my office work has come to a grinding halt and when it does pick up, i will still have plenty of time to devote to it, because, did i mention... i am FINISHED with school?!!

so now i definitely have two regular clients, and potentially three. which means i can bring in a sizable sum of extra cash each month. this will definitely delight my husband, who is always asking me "what exactly is it that you do all day?"

and now that i have unofficially graduated, i can get back to the gym. my fat ass seems to have gained about 8 lbs this semester. i have so much to do while i'm waiting on my reply from nyctf.

_______________________________________

in other news, our trip to atlantic city was somewhat of a success. my husband lost $60 in the slots in a matter of minutes. i lost $30 in the slots, and then $60 at blackjack. i put one last $20 into the slots thinking my husband (who was sleeping in the room at the time) would kill me when he found out, since i was going over our maximum by $10.

anyhow, i lost it all and then by a stroke of luck, i won $180 on my very last quarter. i cashed out, put in another $20, and turned it into $60 within 2 minutes. so when all was said and done, i walked out $70 ahead. my husband couldn't believe it when i told him. we didn't have to pay for the hotel room, so between food, gas, and tolls, we broke out completely even and got a whole 24 hours away from the kids. i'm all for going back there again if the big L is willing to babysit.

my dad has 6 months to live at best, and no matter what i do, i feel like i'm going to regret the way i am handling things now for the rest of my life.

my interview and other news

so i interviewed on sunday for nyctf. i think it went rather well. there were three math hopefuls in my room. we're not in direct competition with each other, but honestly, most of the lesson plans in my room ranged from outright horrible to just ok, save for me and one other girl. so it probably doesn't hurt our chances that we stood out from the rest. but then again, they probably all have better GPAs then me, so they might have a better chance of getting in anyway.

but nevertheless, i was happy with my performance. i taught a trig formula and made the class sing a song to remember it, and then we worked out a problem. i think they hated me for making them sing, but too bad:P

then there was the group discussion in which i think i contributed thoughtful comments. i also picked up the conversation twice when everyone else was just staring at their papers in silence. and then we had to write a two minute response to something related to the discussion, which was a piece of cake.

one thing i'm worried about though is that we had 20 minutes to write a letter home to parents. i write so_freaking_slow. i was not able to convey everything i wanted to and merely glossed over one of the issues i was supposed to address. they were supposed to come in and warn us there was three minutes left. i figured i could write a good ending paragraph in that time, but no, they only came in when there was one minute left. barely enough time for me to finish the thought i was on, write a one sentence conclusion, and sign my name. so, that could ruin it for me. or maybe not, who knows.

and finally was the 20 minute personal interview. i have to say that except for one question, i think i gave excellent answers. i totally BSed on answer though and i even thought "what the hell am i saying??" it didn't even make sense to me. but during some of the questions, i detected a hint of a smile in my interviewer's face when i know i gave the right answer, even though he was trying hard to look stoic.

then at the end of the interview, after he closed my folder, he asked if i had any questions. i asked him what he taught, and then what did he think the most challenging grade to teach was, and why. he went on to talk to me for nearly ten minutes extra about his middle school students. (this is why i was hoping to get the last interview slot.) i told him i could imagine how hard it was, because i was absolutely awful at that age. and he was impressed that i could admit it. he said it's the teachers who remember how they were as preteens who are the most successful, and that most people have such a hard time with them because they expect them to be perfect angels like they think they were at that age. (side note: who in the hell thinks they were perfect when they were twelve??? seems like a bit of insanity to me.)

so, i hope he had a chance to write about his impressions after he concluded all the interviews (i have no idea what he was writing on the paper during the interview though.) because i think i left a good one.

i need all the help i can get because my GPA suxx.

oh and i wanted to add that i looked awesome. i was wearing an atypical suit. cool looking black and gray jacket, black crew neck shirt and pants, and black heels. my hair was in a high bun, too. i looked suited up, but it was so much more stylish and cut so much better than a regular suit. i felt so confident dressed that way that i think if i do get in, i would like to continue to dress like this in the classroom. i even want to go to the grocery store dressed up. i think i've had enough of my SAHM uniform of sweatpants and hoodies for now, at least.

so it's all up in the air and i guess i'll find out in 4-6 weeks, but maybe more because of the holidays. but i'm sure i'll still obsessively check the update page every day until they email me.

it's after 3 and i'm up again! this needs to stop!

i've perfected my lesson plan and am still practicing. i'm excited and nervous, especially considering i've been on 2 job interviews ever, and that was like 5 years ago. but what can i do, i'll either nail it or not!

i still need a shirt to wear for the interview. i wish i wasn't so freaking fat and i could walk into a normal store and find something to wear. actually, i wish i didn't freaking love eating so much!

yes, i love food. another bad habit of mine. i lost 40 lbs rather easily, gained a couple back, and now i just can't get on track again. i like ice cream and cake, and cookies, and challah, and cereal, and oatmeal, and kugel, and chocolate, i LOVE chocolate! these things do me no good though. i wish i could snap out of it.

i promise myself though, after the hell of this semester is over, i will be back in the gym. but i gotta get through this last week first.

it's 4:25am and i can't sleep. i wish my husband would stop working these late hours already. i hate going to bed alone.

i got a 92 on my latest linear algebra exam and... shameless brag... blew the rest of the class out of the water. but i still need to focus on the final next week.

i ended up having to change my interview date for nyctf to this sunday because i was really sick the week of my original date and decided against hacking up a lung all over the interviewers. i can only hope this doesn't backfire and make a negative impression.

i'm sick again though, i just hope it doesn't get worse. my lack of sleep certainly won't help though.

speaking of my interview, i still have yet to come up with a handout. i'm struggling because i don't want to include too much information, but i want the group to be able to answer my questions. i'm allowed to assume prior knowledge on their part, but i know no one remembers their HS trig values. so i somehow need to include exercises relevant to my lesson plan, plus enough background info so that the lesson can be interactive.

silly me didn't realize when i chose the date to reschedule, that i have two finals the next day, one at 8am, the other at 6pm. and one of them is in mutivariate calc, which i am failing. he will base my course grade solely on my final grade if i do well, but that means i have to learn the entire semester, plus study for my other exam, plus finish preparing for my interview, plus have a research paper written by friday.

i'm seriously insane for not sleeping. i think i might actually start on that paper now and beg my mother to come over at 10am so i can rest. i really owe her, she has definitely come in clutch. she took off the whole week to help me with the kids since the big one has off from school and she seriously couldn't have been around at a more needed time.

most excellent and most terrible

i was misinformed and my psych quiz that i completely blew off isn't actually until next monday. so i just have a fighting chance of passing if i can find some time this week to study.

i'm also considering changing my entire lesson plan to fractions in music, which is much more interesting than the sin of A+B. but i'm not sure i can whittle the idea down to five minutes. i'm going to work on it tonight.

and lastly i just found out that my father's cancer has spread to his liver. i'm not so sure chemo will help at this point, especially since he doesn't have the will to live. so now we have to figure out if he will be better off at home with my family in his own bed, or at a hospice without us, but with better care. i can't believe at the age of 26 i have to make these decisions.

stressed ramblings

things are not going as well as i planned, but i guess that's life.

my one year old has been terribly sick and getting up 5 times a night, and of course she only wants mama. my time has been thoroughly consumed with taking care of her and spending time with my father in the hospital. on top of this, i'm completely sick myself. and i almost forgot about my two year old who's throwing up every day...

i'm blowing off a quiz that i have tomorrow. i'm sure i won't get higher than a 20, but how hard can i push myself? i'm behind on my work and i'm afraid i'll lose my job if i cut back anymore. i'm hoping my 100 on the midterm will somehow carry me through.

but the main thing i'm concerned about is my interview on sunday. i am REALLY unprepared and with all that's going on, i don't know how i'm going to swing it. i'm not so much worried about memorizing the lesson plan since it flows naturally, but presentation is everything. and i really need practice in that area. plus i have had no time to prep for interview questions. and i've been on like 2 interviews my entire life.

i really wish i could reschedule my interview, and although they allow it, i'm sure it won't be looked upon favorably. i mean i can't just ditch school every time i have some sort of life crisis once i'm a teacher. so whatever happens, i'll just hope for the best. i'm gonna try to stick the baby with her babysitter a few extra hours this week so i can better prepare. plus i need to go shopping for interview clothes.

one thing about working from home, i wear sweatpants every day. i look like the typical, lazy stay at home mom. but really there's so much more to my life. but nevertheless, i haven't worn business attire since, let's say... never!

oh yeah, one more thing. if they ask me what my greatest accomplishment is, i will definitely say graduating college! i know it sounds lame, but seriously, what was i thinking messing around in school for so many years when i could've finished so easily?? barring my first semester, i never even went full time until after i had my kids. yet somehow they gave me the motivation i needed and i've pulled through. but i tell you, i must have been suffering from temporary insanity when i figured i'd have a couple of kids smack in the middle of my college career.

my father is in the hospital again. this time he's doing really bad.

i'm having trouble coping.

bad mood

i just about torpedoed my entire week. i was doing so well and then i completely binged yesterday and today. i will be going to the gym tonight but i don't know how much damage control it will do.

my lesson plan is coming along. i wrote it all out and i need to memorize it now. i just hope i don't bore everyone to tears, or embarrass myself, either. i will be teaching the sin(A+B) and cos(A+B) formulas. i'm going to make it interesting by singing the song my 10th grade teacher taught us to remember it, but it's so silly. depending on the delivery the lesson will really be hit or miss. but i'm going with it. i think i can make it work.

good times

my house is clean again! hooray! plus i lost 3.4 lbs this week.

and i even had a complete, balanced dinner on the table at 6pm tonight. i feel so functional!

feeling optimistic

i'm having a good day today. i think it's because my house is clean. it puts me in a better frame of mind.

i'm halfway through my mutivariate cramming and it's going pretty well. i might be able to ace this exam if i can remember everything.

about 5 more people dropped out of my linear algebra class. we're now down to 10 from the original 25+. the learning center tutor is willing to give me the first 30 minutes of his slotted time (free) if i can arrange for my dad to pick up dorafan#1 from school on mondays. and if that doesn't work, he'll come in an hour earlier and tutor me for $30/hr which i'm seriously willing to pay once a week at this point. it's a good deal considering he sits in on every one of my lectures so he will teach me exactly what i need to know.

so yeah i'm feeling good. still slightly defeated, but how can i get too depressed knowing i can see my bedroom floor for the first time in months?

and more on the wonderful cleaning lady, she's so cute, like she's personally invested in the cleanliness and organization of my apartment. she told me next time she's going to help sort through all my clothes and organize my closet, something my husband has been bothering me to do for five years! and it was totally her own idea. and another great thing, she asked me if she should move on when it was taking too long to clean all the burnt stuff off the stove because "it wastes time." now i've heard plenty of people complain about cleaning ladies taking all the time in the world since they're getting paid by the hour, but this is unheard of. she was worried about wasting time! she's so awesome! i'm gushing, i'm in love!

i'm so excited for next week. i already have a list of things to be done. she inspires me to want to be more organize and lord help me, i really need it!

and the work keeps on piling up

i thought i was finished after my linear algebra exam last week, my paper due this week, and my psych midterm yesterday. of course i have the last psych experiment and paper, but that's something i can handle in increments over the next month.

but then last night in multivariate calc i found out i have an exam in one week. and i don't know what's flying, having opened up the book only once this semester. so now i need to teach myself the entire semester's worth of material in six days.

and the linear algebra exam i studied my butt off for, i guess it paid off since i got the 3rd highest grade in the class... a D-. i almost cried. i can forget raising my GPA this semester.

if i don't get into teaching fellows, i don't know what i'm going to do. i won't be able to get into brooklyn for graduate school with these grades and will have to go to either hunter or staten island if i take that route.

i think i need to fuck everything and put my all into preparing a knockout lesson plan for the interview and practicing good responses to common interview questions. and if it means my grades fall, so be it. it will be worth it if i get in.

and if i don't get in, hunter or si, or actuarial exam here i come. or i guess i can always beg the folks at brooklyn to let me in with provisions.

a silly from my father

a recent news item in nyc is that a boy died from contracting antibiotic resistent bacteria. the post ran a front page article about it yesterday.

on another note, we had a gnat flying around over the table where me, my dad, and sara were eating lunch yesterday. my father kept going after it but couldn't kill it. he was really obsessing over it when i told him he should just leave it alone and eat his lunch.

he said "Are you kidding me? We have to kill insects every chance we get."

i looked at him confounded. he said "I know you don't read the papers, but I do. Every day. Look." and he pointed to the headline on the front page of the post that read "Two chances to kill superbug."

i had to doublecheck that he really believed what i thought he did. and yes, he thought it was a super-insect that caused the boy's death.

back to basics

i just wanted to bookmark for future reference when i restarted the ww core plan. i gained way too much since rosh hashana, so it was back on the wagon for me as of this monday.

i still have 50 lbs to go til my first goal.

my new scanner

at first i was pissed at my darling husband for spending so much money without consulting me, but now i see his idea for a new printer/copier/scanner/faxer was a shear stroke of genius.

firstly, i was able to scan and upload old high school pics onto facebook. we all know how important it is to simultaneously embarrass yourself and your friends by posting photos from our dorky yesteryear.

next, i am able to send handwritten notes to my husband while he is at work. who needs to type ":)" when you can put your blood, sweat, and tears into drawing your very own smiley face, scanning, and emailing it??

and finally, i was actually able to scan my linear algebra notes and send them to a classmate who missed a week's worth of lectures.

i've been using my new machine for less than 12 hours and i've accomplished all this. i can only say that what lies in the future of our user/scanner relationship knows no bounds.

i scored an interview!!!

well after being so pessimistic yesterday, i actually got an email this morning from nyctf informing me that i've been advanced to the interview round!

so on to step 2... i'm so nervous about this part. i get flustered when put on the spot at interviews and have been known to ramble on. i really need to relax and better educate myself about things like urban ed issues and classroom management techniques. i also need to go over my past experiences and really think about how they can contribute to my success in the classroom. i'm sure they're going to want to know about this!

i also have to come up with a five minute lesson plan. i was thinking of teaching about the sine of a double angle (trig) but i don't want to bore them to tears. the thing is i have a cute little song my 10th grade teacher taught us to help us remember the formula. and obviously it worked, because i still remember it 11 years later. doing this lesson and song can show that i can make math, even a hard topic, a little more enjoyable. of course, i can make a complete fool out of myself by singing in front of the interview panel...

so i have a lot to think about right now. and let us not forget my linear algebra midterm on wednesday, my research psych paper due thursday, and my research psych midterm on monday. oh and the fact that i have to teach myself the entire multivariate calc course from the very beginning before my next exam. oh the joys!

well i finally did it

i submitted my application for the new york city teaching fellows last sunday. i want this more than anything, but i have a looming feeling that i won't even be invited for an interview. i honestly don't regret messing around in school so much when i was younger because if anything, it has helped me clarify my goals and accomplish so much while having two young children. but i'm sure no admissions committee will see it this way.

if i don't get in i have two choices. i can go the traditional route through grad school and wait an extra year until i can teach, but this will put a huge strain on our finances and i don't think we can swing it. or i might teach myself multivariate statistics and take the first actuarial exam in may. this way i'll have a good chance of finding a decent paying job. but i'm not entirely sure this is what i want. i'll end up seeing my kids for only an hour every day and i'm not ready for that.

in any event, i don't want to jump the gun here and hopefully i'll find out by next monday whether or not i got the interview.

procrastination

why is it that i always wait until the last minute to study? i have a multivariate calc exam tomorrow night and i just cracked open the textbook for the first time this semester today.

and why am i studying in front of the computer? this is just bad news.

sara is still such a baby to me; it's crazy to think that she was this age when i had katie. sometimes i feel so bad for katie, that she should've had more time with me to herself. sometimes i feel that it's so selfish to add another kid into the mix so quickly.

but then other times i think she would be so lonely without her sister, especially on days like today, erev yom tov, when the best i can do for them is let them watch tv and play indoors with each other all day while i cook and clean (and take 5 minutes to blog!) they can entertain each other endlessly, even more than they abuse each other.

i still feel mixed about it though. what's done is done and i'm so thankful for both of my girls, but i definitely would not want to go through this again. forget about how hard it is as the mother, but i think it's a big injustice to the child.

Wow wow wow, it's been so long since I posted on here. I nearly forgot about the existence of my blog until I was going to comment on my sister in law's own newly formed blog. I was about to sign up for a new account when a little lightbulb went off and I had a vague memory of signing up here once. And fortunately enough I remember the name and passowrd, so here I am yet again.

We'll see if I can keep it up this time, as I'm notoriously B.A.D. at these things. But thanks for the reminder Becky!

p.s. Katie, who I refered to in an earlier entry is now 2 and a half, and that positive pregnancy is now a 15 month old gorgeous little girl.